*crickets*

A tumbleweed blows lazily across the front of the Bar and Grill.

*more crickets*

A lone doormouse scurries into a crack in the rotting floor.

*humming*

The inky black darkness is pierced by a searing beam of light.

*CRASH*

A bloated hunk of spacecraft slams into the bar, sending wood and metal flying.

*sssslither*

<snooort> <chortle> <slobber>

*maniacal laughter*

Yes, ladies and gentlemen....the beaverkin threat has been vanquished!

And now....presentation of medals and awards!

To Edna May Hurley....for bravery in the face of dagger-toothed beavers, I present the greatest award that can be given to a non-Ijsbeer: The ORDER OF URSA MINOR!

DIPLOMACY HAS FAILED! THE WAR IS ON FOR TOMORROW!

Generals, to your battalions! Admirals, to your fleets! Ladies of the evening, to your brothels!

BARTENDERS! DISPENSE.........ALE!

*snaps to attention, sucks down an entire pony keg*

*belches*

Yes, my children! WAR! The voices in the sewer have DARED to threaten the Ijsbeer in our own BAR! I have called the Ijsbeer homeworld....and as I speak every able-bodied man, woman, and child is arming themselves and boarding massive transport ships to make the journey here to Marysville! They'll be here in less than 24 hours, and then the massacre will begin! The Ratón special forces operatives will form our vanguard, and all million of us will enter the sewers at the same time!

We wish to inform the Marysville mayor and city council that we are not invading, and do not intend to be an occupying force. As soon as the creatures in the sewer are mercilessly slaughtered, we'll go back from whence we came.

Hm. Maybe a million isn't enough. I'm calling the Ratón ambassador....

Yes, I see.

They've pledged another 1,750,000 Ratón troops by 10AM tomorrow. Outstanding. I did not want to deplete the Ratón army, but their ambassador assures me that this is not even half their force. I wish we could breed like that!

*bares his fangs*

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE SEWER DWELLERS IS AT HAND!  I am appointing Caiaphas J. Ijsbeer as a Field Marshal, and Jude as a General in the Ijsbeer army. I would offer Edna May a position, but my guess is that she'd rather be on the front lines with her chakram. If that's not the case, I'll be happy to appoint her as well.

Ok then! TOMORROW! We'll get thoroughly soused and head down to the sewers for some CARNAGE!

Our resident physician, Dr. Asbjörn Ijsbeer, has some startling findings! I yield the floor to him.

*Asbjörn pours himself a Bass Ale, sits on the floor*

'morning.

I conducted autopsies on a number of the Besöksadresse killed after they began to asexually reproduce. Apparently this is not the way they normally spawn, as I found fully functional sexual organs inside every single one of them! The only thing that I can deduce from this is that the mass asexual reproduction of the last couple of weeks was caused by a mutation....and was apparently some twisted attempt to recreate an army, perhaps? The problem is that I know of no way to cause this type of change.....and I know just about everything. Well, when I'm sober....but that doesn't happen but once or twice a year. Now is not one of those times. So there might or might not be a way to force the Besöksadresse to asexually reproduce.....depending on how drunk I am right now.

Thank you.

*thunderous belch*

*Svenge takes the floor*

Compounding our problems, we are unable to contact Shardborn. I fear that he is out of the galaxy and unable to take our calls....or maybe his phone battery is dead....or....maybe something sinister has put him out of commission.

*sighs*

Again, anyone with any information.....please let us know.

-Svenge

*raps on bar*

Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention PLEASE! Put down your glasses!



DANIEL IS MISSING!

Security cameras show him leaving the Bar & Grill premises about 3 days ago. Due to the volatile nature of his programming, should anyone witness any wanton distruction or large explosions, please contact Svenge Ijsbeer or any member of the Ijsbeer army.


On an even worse note, we have been getting strange whiffs of a malevolent force in the sewers. Numerous Ijsbeer patrols have been sent out and none have returned. The final transmission from our last squad is as follows:

Thanks to the lightning quick action of Edna May, Jude, Daniel, and Shardborn the Besoksadresse threat has been thwarted again!


Just call his name and he'll be there! Shardborn, alien extraordinaire, came through again with an experimental product from Proctor & Gamble: VASECTOMY-IN-A-CAN! YES! Aerial sterilization stopped the asexual reproduction of the Besoksadresse, and the herd was subsequently thinned to manageable proportions!


Per the bargain, Jude was beamed up into Shardborn's ship for an evening she won't forget!

Oh, the problems we're having! As noted on our tagboard, the captured Besoksadresse are asexually reproducing at an alarming rate! We've constructed a 3 acre holding pen, but it's almost filled to capacity with enraged Hvalrossen! We just don't have enough Ijsbeer to guard them....and sooner or later the streets of Marysville will be overrun! WE NEED A SOLUTION! Please, Marysvillians! We're too drunk to think right now!


Bunny? Jude? Rev. Jim? Edna May? Mouse? Heiny? SOMEONE?


*Svenge's voice is drowned out by the growls, grunts, barks, soft whistles, rasps, and clicks of thousands of livid Besoksadresse*


*Air raid sirens begin to blare*


Keptin! Keptin! We canna hold out much longer! I'm givin' her all she's got!


*sounds of laser fire ricochet off the buildings in Marysville*

Marysville's own Edna May Hurley rose to the top of the gladiatorial charts yesterday as she and Daniel Caiaphas DOMINATED the Besoksadresse captives in mortal combat!

The captive walruses fought bravely, but in the end not a SINGLE Besoksadresse inflicted so much as a scratch on either of the dynamic duo!

Edna May screamed like a banshee as she gleefully hacked at the walruses, sending blubbery parts flying all over the arena. At her back, Daniel Caiaphas lobbed hand-held thermonuclear devices into packs of Besoksadresse, leaving nothing but black stains where they once stood. Scores fell before the mighty pair! What a show! The carnage! The slaughter! The destruction!

Bookies everywhere closed up shop and headed out of town as Hurley and Caiaphas were at 1,000,000 to 1 odds. Any Marysville citizen who bet on the magnificent team would be richer than Midas, but of course there will be no payout. We have notified Sheriff Shankweiller and hopefully he will be able to round up the shady characters.

We think that we saw Reflux's bug la beouf in attendance, hopefully there are some great shots of the combat!

Yes! We liked these so much we're putting them on the wall!

 
Here's our own Boudewijn Ijsbeer single-handedly taking down one of the "Elite" Odobenus Rosmarus guard!

 

And here's Lodewijk Ijsbeer dragging a random Hvalros back to his ship! I believe this strapping young Ijsbeer made him into a nice walrus coat for his girlfriend!

We here at the Ijsbeer Command Center commend our soldiers and their bravery. These photos may of course be used for any news stories about the battle.

-Svenge Ijsbeer